On Repentance

Playground Memories

Can you remember the early days of hanging out on the playground?
Come on, I know that you can remember at least some of those early days.

Well anyway,
I can remember those early days on the playground at my grade school. Sometimes you could extend your time on the playground by playing there in the morning. And at other times I would hang around after school, if I was waiting for my mom that is…

Do you remember that feeling of freedom? Oh what I wouldn't give at times to be able to just play without anyone telling me that I should do this or that. Risking life and limb to be the first to swing the highest, or maybe hang the longest on the bars. That feeling of just knowing that everything was just as it should be.

I can remember the way other kids would walk around the playground picking out which equipment they were going to call theirs for the day. It had became a daily ritual.
There were those that always got the best equipment, and there were those that didn’t.

If you were unlucky enough to be one of the few that didn't fit in with the status quo, then you were destined for the kindergarten equipment or worse yet just sitting there doing nothing. You ended up reconciled to the fringes of the playground.
If you decided to stage a coup, sure others would band together with you ready to fight tyranny at its most basic level. Of course there was a problem with that. As soon as the opposition heard of any plans, the threats of dismemberment and death caused your supporters to drop like flies.

All of this being said, I didn't really understood what it felt like to be one of those that was left out on the fringes, on the Kindergarten side.
I can remember the day that I became, for the first time, one of the unlucky few.

There was my best friend," Well call him Kevin to preserve his privacy". Kevin and I would run out at recess and pick the equipment that for that hour would become our property for the day.
Beware anyone that dare try to use this equipment without our permission. You could and probably would be subjecting yourself to bodily injury. That’s not even mentioning the emotional stress one had to endure. Usually by the end, it meant at least a day or two of being trash talked about and shunned from those you respected or hated.

Today something had changed, something was different when I ran out onto the playground. I remember it was half way through my 3rd grade year. As I ran out Kevin and another boy were on the monkey bars. I was so dense that I just ran out to the bars and started to climb on.
All of the sudden Kevin spoke those horrible words,” What do you think your doing?”. As I jumped to the ground, I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
I was just called out by my best bud. The guy that was supposed to have my back. Of course the second thought through my mind was that I would speak my mind. I was not one who would cower down to such abuse. I would show him who he was dealing with trying to cross me, his best friend.

The only problem with that was that Kevin was twice my size and all he had to do was just fall on me and there wouldn’t be any way that I could get up. Let alone trying to outbox or out wrestle him. He had some pretty large arms that could intimidate the biggest of the bullies on our watch. And if you lost, it meant years or even a lifetime worth of ribbing. Not to mention the abuse from lower level bullies using you for their new conquests.

I had seen others who made that mistake in the past and it wasn’t a pretty site. Walking to the store and having to cross the street to keep away from those that would hurt you. Or picking a seat and having it stolen from you after threats of pain.

I can remember that feeling of rejection and hurt as I walked away from them in silence. It went to the depths of my soul. And just as I was reconciling myself to the facts of what had just happened, I heard the laughter. And you guessed it , I knew that voice. It was one that in the past, even that very morning, had comforted me. As Kevin spoke I heard the words,”Look at the little sissy walking to the little kids playground”.

I can remember how devastating it was to be rejected by my best friend. After all he lived just down the street and we had played together for years. As I sat there on the fringes I realized the harsh reality that hadn’t sunk in my mind before.
I wasn’t in the chosen few, the special crowd anymore. I think as I sat there, that’s when I realized that I couldn’t trust those who professed to be my friends.
I learned that day how it felt to be one of the unlucky ones. Later I learned that there had been a lie told about me that was soon proven wrong.

Again the next week I became one of the chosen few.
But this time something had changed inside of me. I had realized how wrong it was to be one of the chosen few. I had tasted of the punishment that others were living with daily.

The relationship with Kevin and I wasn’t the same after that. I felt like I couldn’t trust him anymore and I wouldn’t be a part of hurting others on the playground. Sure I talked with him at times, after all I grew up down the street from him.

As I went through Jr high and high school it was tough. I would at times suffer ridicule for helping those on the fringes. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was that day on the playground that my life changed. As I went through high school I would hang out with those on the fringe. I wasn’t an angel, but those around me knew that I would be there if they needed me.

Those who were the chosen ones seemed to become more and more distant to me.
Childhood relationships faded and life continued on.

As I went through life, I seemed to always revolve towards those who were needy or different by other peoples standards. At the time I didn’t understand why it was that way. But now I know it was that day on the playground that changed my life forever.

It is never to late to learn from the life lessons that God has been teaching us.

In Psalms 32:5 David says:
Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord"- and you forgave the guilt of my sin.

David spoke these words after his sin with Bathsheba.

It only takes two words from our lips, “I’m Sorry”, to cross over into the unlucky few.

The unlucky few...
Those that God truly speaks about in his word.
The few that can mend a heart, the few that can comfort a soul, the few that can give up all for others.

Of course I forgave those that hurt me from the past, realizing that God had them on a different path than mine.

It took me almost 30 years to realize that God works in mysterious ways, ways that I cannot at times understand.

It is those ways that will take you to places that you don’t want to go.

It is also those ways that will make you the man that God has called you to be.

Enduring Hardship

Halloween memories

I can remember when I was about eight or nine years old. I was at my sisters house and it was Halloween night. Living in town was a privilege when I was growing up, because at Halloween there were plenty of houses to trick or treat at.

This Halloween though was to be a special night. One that I couldn't even dare to imagine the outcome of. This particular Halloween night my sister decided it would be the year that I would be dressed up as a girl.

Of course she didn't just say, hey I think you should be dressed as a girl tonight.  No, She was much more sly than that.

I didn't have any time to prepare for this particular Halloween. What with Baseball season over and school starting again I'd just fallen into a funk and couldn't seem to get anything right in my life. I didn't want to be at school, it seemed the majority of my teachers had picked me out as one of the chosen few to extend their attention to. Not that affectionate kind of attention either. 

As I found myself on Halloween night, I realized that my friend was going to be there any minute, and that I had literally no ideas for an outfit. I don't know about you, but when I was growing up Halloween was an important night, full of fun and lots of candy. And if you played your timing just right, you could fill two sacks instead of one.
 
There was also the new subdivision by the Fairgrounds that always gave away twice as much candy then any other area. And if you talked fast enough , you could convince your parents that you would be back at the car quicker then you actually could.

 Anyway in my zeal to figure out something to wear, my sister said, let's just try something. I should have been smart enough from past incidents to catch onto that little phrase that came from my sisters mouth. "Lets just try something"

This phrase had so many times before caused me to go to places and do things that I didn't want to do. But this night my mind wasn't present, it was somewhere else,where I don't know.

Before I knew it, I was standing in her living room dressed as a girl, pantyhose and all. I have to admit it was quite a relief when my sister put the wig on, because then no one new it was me. This was proved true when my friend walked in the door. He came in said hi to my sister, and asked where I was.
 
My sister just laughed and smiled.  
Until I spoke he didn't have a clue.

Now being a young man and having to dress as a girl was bad. But in my day if your friends saw you dressed as a girl it meant hardship and almost certain humiliation or death.

Now this is where my memory gets pretty sketchy, I don't remember if I stayed dressed like a girl or not. I guess we'll never know as I have seemed to somehow block certain memories from my mind about that night.

I do remember, my friend and I sat there and made a pact with one another. As I wanted to get plenty of candy, and my friend didn't want to go alone, we decided not to tell anyone who I really was.

You know, that Halloween night I remember bringing home more candy then I ever did on any other night. I do remember, as my friend and I walked around trick and treating, no one seemed to recognize me. I guess everyone thought I was someone else.

I do know that my friend and I didn't talk about that night ever again.

You know as I think of those times when I was younger and how they molded and fashioned me, I realized it wasn't so bad.

I also believe that God has a much more simple view of things in our lives.

If it is true that everything in our lives is allowed by God for our growth, then I believe that he wanted me to learn something from that fate full night.

We just received a call from my sisters husband a couple of months ago informing us that she had went to be with God that night.It was our youngest sister so it came as a huge shock to all of us.

Now, month's later we are back to normal life again, as normal as it can be without my sister.
I will never forget the memories that God allowed in my life on one Halloween night at my sisters house in Arizona.

2ND Timothy 2:3 says: Endure Hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus.

I wonder what Paul was feeling like sitting there in a Roman prison. Undoubtedly many of Paul's supporters, seeing the hopelessness of his situation, had probably abandoned him.

If it were possible, I'm sure that Paul would look back and say to us, about the hardship he faced sitting in that prison,that it truly was a blessing.

We must remember as we go through hardship that it can in the end become a blessing instead of a curse.

After all God is in control and he desires everything to work together for his good.

So remember being a good soldier in hard times isn't so bad after all.

Living Life God's Way.........

As I've reflected on the past this month, I've realized something about God's plans for me.
He wants me to live my life out loud for him.
Wow what a concept, to be able to live my life with no preconceived notions of how I should act, or who I should please, or even how others see me.
As I sat here reflecting on the past I was reminded of a Band of Brothers group that i attended for 2 years. The purpose of the group was to define God in our lives and to focus us to understand who God created us to be.
The same time that this was going on I lost my mother to Alzheimer's.

After the initial shock and grief subsided, I was reminded of a time in my past.
My brother and i were with my mom and dad coming back from my brothers house in Arizona.
I remembered we were riding in a rambler station wagon. My brother and I were sitting in the back seat, or the jump seat as they called it back then. As kids it was really awesome to sit in the fold out seat in the luggage compartment in the back of the station wagon. It was cool to look out the back window and imagine that we were driving, or in a jet or a space ship that we were in control of.
Of course sometimes it was a battle between me and my brother on if one or both of us would be sitting there.
Anyway there was one evening in particular that i remembered. We were riding home from my brothers house, apx. 7 miles from home. As my father was driving my mother and him started getting in a fight. I don't remember what it was about (after so many years have gone by), but i knew that it was important to both of them at the time. As my brother and i sat there and watched this heated discussion turn into a full fledged fight we weren't sure what would happen next, whether it would be them or us getting the backlash of this disagreement.
Then as my mom said a few choice words, my dad stopped the car. I remember him not saying a word, turning the car off ,opening the door of the car, uttering something like dam-------- and proceeding to walk home leaving us sitting there in the car alone.
Of course as things go, my dad had not planned very well and had left the keys in the ignition. Also my father had an injury he had suffered from a broken leg years before that he hadn't taken into account either, it caused him to walk with a permanent limp. Which of course exempted him from being able to outrun the car or beat her home in any way.
I remember my mom watching him walk away and get madder every second until she couldn't contain it any longer. Right at the point at which she looked as if she was going to spontaneously combust she just simply slid over into the drivers seat and started up the car. My mother preceded to drive down the road and just as my brother and i started to think we were headed home without dad, the car stopped. There we were sitting along the side of the road in the dark waiting for my dad. My father heading towards us mumbling in unpercievable words all the way.
Interestingly enough my dad kept walking right past us. My mother simply started the car again and began to drive again ,but to our surprise she didn't drive past my dad. She drove beside him instead which angered my dad even more. At first she said nothing just drove beside him as he walked. My dad mumbling all the way. Then she reached over and rolled down the passenger window.
As she started to speak she methodically started to explain to my dad all of the reasons, one by one, on why it was such a stupid decision to walk home. How it was 5 miles more, How his leg was not up to the task, How it was dark outside,etc...
As it got darker outside and as we traveled another mile or so down the road I watched my dad wear down. It seemed like each step he took just brought him closer to a decision that he didn't want to make. Finally my dad decided that it was better to get back into the car then to salvage his pride.
We all drove home that night in silence, it was the quietest that car had ever been. After we arrived at home my mother and father went about the duties of home life and slowly that evening began talking to one another again.
Us kids were on to bigger and better things and had already forgotten about all the things that had transpired earlier that evening.

As i sat there reflecting on the past I thought on how others would think if they were able to see my mother and father fighting that night. They would probably see my mom and dad as having a bad marriage and a horrible family atmosphere.

God showed me something else. He showed me how a father can swallow his pride to keep the peace in his family. He showed me how a mother can stay with her husband when everything inside says, drive off leave him there.

In Genesis 1:27 it says(So God created man in his own image. In the image of God he created them)
In 2Timothy 4:7 it says(I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, i have kept the faith)

We must remember it is not just one moment in time that defines us, it is a lifetime lived out for God that others see.

If you were to let a group of boys loose in the woods you would soon have the civil war reenacted before your eyes. Give a group of girls a trunk full of skirts and dresses and soon you would have the ballet.
God made us in his own image. What does that mean to you?
Just like children, the right opportunities played out before us in life reveal the true creative nature that God has placed inside of us.

Dorthy Sayers wrote:"Work is not primarily a thing one does to live, but the thing one lives to do."If only that were true..... but it is what God meant for us.....

The poet Hopkins wrote: "What i do is me: For that I came"

Why is this important you may ask?
It wasn't just one moment in time that defined my mom and dads lives, it was the constant sharing of their lives with their eight children that allowed them to finish well and live their lives for God the loudest.....

As we sat at my mothers funeral and grieved of our family's loss, i watched as my family pulled together. I heard stories of some of my mom and dads rough times and I heard some of the children's love and frustrations.
But most of all I watched as God mended my family and revealed my Mom and Dad's life work.
I watched God reveal their life, lived out loud for their father God.

Below i have included a poem from "The Invitation" by Oriah.

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.I want to know what you ache for, and if you dream of meeting your hearts longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are.I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your soul.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, Yes!
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside, when all else falls away.
It doesn't interest me who you know, or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

Ending thought:
It is not one moment in time that defines us in life. it is not what we do for a living or what we do when we blow it that defines us, it is the way we live through the disappointments and victories by which God is revealed and unveiled in our lives.

We will not always be the ones who will receive the benefit of our lives lived out loud for God.....

The ones who could benefit may be the ones we leave behind.....